Choices, when you feel nothing.

So in my country our university works, in the way that, you apply directly into your major and then it usually takes about three years to get your bachelor where you only have courses surrounding your major. Depending on the popularity of the specific major the grade average, for getting in, changes.

So last year i applied and got in, but the major i chose wasn’t me at all and i dropped out after the first semester, which means i have to apply again just in a weeks time to my new major. There is really no limit for how many times you can drop out and then reapply to a new major, but the societal status is two times and i am not getting any younger so this is it. What i choose now is what i might be locked into forever and that is if i am even lucky enough to get in, because the ones i am thinking of are really difficult to get into due to their popularity.

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What all this is leading up to is how do you make choices for your future, when you can’t possibly see yourself having one? When you are left thinking what the damn point is. How can you possibly try to figure out what interest you, when nothing does? And when i then have decided, what if i chose wrong? What if i don’t get in? Just thinking about it makes me want to die. And the privileged guilt that comes with it. Well knowing that people would kill for the opportunity to just go to any school.
I am paralyzed by my own inability to know who i am and what i want. I am held back by my mere hatred for myself and the apathy i have for life. Despite this i am so afraid, that this is the day that is unrectified. This day, these choices are the ones i cannot take back, but will wish my whole life i could. My indecisiveness and distrust in my own choices will most likely leave me with nothing. You need to choose, because if you don’t, those choices will slip away and you are left with nothing.

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And you know what people say to my choices?
“Well, it’s really hard to get into” or “That is a really tough major”. They might say it, to warn me or spare me the horrible surprise, but what i feel that they are saying “Well, it’s really hard to get into, for you” and “That is a really tough major, for you“. And in my pathetic, fragile state i absorb it like a sponge. I take it in, I nourish those thoughts and I am hereby the maker of my own eventual doom. Not to say these thoughts weren’t there before, but now they are merely echoed in my brain. Reminding me i am nothing and therefor can become nothing.

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I should really begin to finish these thoughts and feelings with some kind of solution or satisfactory lesson learned, because this is starting to get depressing to read i imagine.

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“Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door”
― Martha Manning, Undercurrents: A Life Beneath the Surface

“The problem, simply put, is that we cannot choose everything simultaneously. So we live in danger of becoming paralyzed by indecision, terrified that every choice might be the wrong choice.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage

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