It’s coming

I don’t know about you, but for me, my depression is split between numbness and pain. In each their way, they are equally horrible and after some time i just wish for the other to come, immediately regretting it.
The numbness is what I, in professionel terms deem to be dysthymia and the second, just a good old fashion deep depression.
I have been in the dysthymia phase for a good 4-5 months or so and then i felt it. I felt the real, deep, sinking hole coming. It didn’t manifest itself for a few months, but here it is. And i knew it was coming. In a way it’s good, because when it did, it didn’t surprise me, but being able to feel that it’s coming is a horrifying thing, because it means that i have gone through these hills and valleys for so long that i am kinda good at it. It is true people, dreams do come true.

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My point, if i have any, is i am hoping writing this down will give me some sort of epiphany on how to get better. And if it helps someone or makes someone feel less alone, then that would be amazing. I just i don’t know what the fuck to do. It just creeps up on you and then instead of being mildly depressed, where you can take a shower and see people and doing school or work, sort of. Then you are left just being, nothing, really. And you don’t know when it ends and it’s not like the alternative is normal, it’s just less depressed which in turn is really fucking depressing. I am spinning out of writer control, and i am gonna pull myself back here, but it’s just frustrating. I have no conclusion other than that.

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“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
― Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

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