Whenever i let out my worries, i’m almost always met with some kind of version with “You’ll do great, don’t worry” and it’s very sweet that people have that kind of faith in me, but most times it doesn’t change that i’m still gonna worry about it. A lot. Because that is how my bloody mind works. I’M SORRY.
The other things people sometimes say is “Just stop worrying all the time and stop creating problems in advance”. I tell you this is the worst of the two, because if i could stop worrying i fucking would have. It’s not like I sit around and ask myself “You know what would make this day better? Anxiety”. No. If i were capable of making my worry and anxiety disappear that easy, we wouldn’t have this conversation.
Besides, the problem is, i am worrying about it so i can prepare if things go to shit. Sue me i like to prepare for the shit stuff, because you don’t need to prepare for when things go right. Because then things are great you know? I’m just assuring myself that i have a plan b when i fuck up.
I don’t know why my self worth is zero and my pessimism is up the chart, but that is how my stupid brain is programmed. I don’t trust myself to do what is best for me, i don’t trust myself to carry out all the wishes and plans i have in mind. I cannot take it when i fail, i get absolutely crushed and the little glimmer of hope i had left just get rushed into even tinier peaces. Me expecting the worst is me trying to protect myself. Trying not to get my hopes up, just so i myself can shatter it once again, because the more i break it, the less likely it is that i will ever have hope again. And humans live for hope. Am i protecting myself in the best most kindest manner? No. I know it’s twisted and might do more harm than good, but i don’t know how to change something that comes so natural to me. Remember i am a pessimist who doesn’t believe i can do shit. That includes being my best self.
I know it’s draining for people and i am absolutely so sorry about that. I am sorry. Every time i worry out loud or make a pessimistic comment regarding myself i just think this is it. This was the last they could take. I get it. I have tried different things, you know. I have tried being the smiley positive person, i have tried to just hold it in, i have tried to be openly insecure and pessimistic and nothing is working. It’s either fake, bottling stuff up (which just comes back to haunt you) or you end up pushing all the people you love away. Great choices, really. Such variety.
I’m afraid that i trust myself so little, that i won’t go anywhere. I’ll just stay at the same miserable place, questioning my decisions. Alone.
This post did not provide any solutions.
“Are you ever not a pessimist?”
“Sometimes. But then I wake up.”
— Mira Grant
“The play-it-safe pessimists of the world never accomplish much of anything, because they don’t look clearly and objectively at situations, they don’t recognize or believe in their own abilities to overcome even the smallest amount of risk.”
— Benjamin Hoff