Am I out yet?
Out of this torment. Out of my brain. Can i focus on what really matters now? Whatever that is. I know it is not this.This black thing that fills my brain and fuels my life. I have let it consume my life. My thoughts. My feelings. My choices. I had been in so deep, for so long that when i finally started to rise up from this black hole, i thought i was in the clear. I thought i was out. I still had mental shit to work out because depression didn’t come alone to the party. Before there was even depression there was an insane amount of self-hatred and anxiety, but one down right? or was it.
I thought that i was out because compared to what i had previously felt for the last year this was bliss. I didn’t think abut self-harm and I didn’t pray for a car to run me down every time i crossed the road, but is this really where we should put the standard? So anything above not wanting to kill yourself is being content? No, of course not, but how do you know what is? How do you know how many steps above wanting to kill yourself you really are?
Are you out of that black hole? or are you just beneath the surface? Not entirely out, but not down at the bottom either. Trapped between all these shades of grey, where you don’t know how to navigate, because you don’t know where you are. And god forbid you end up thinking your in the right place, a place of healing and getting better, when your not. Your still in that god forsaken hole.
This healing thing, or any other less cliche thing you wanna call it, would be so much easier if only there was a lamp, showing us how close we were to the surface, showing us if we were in the clear yet. I am so afraid that, if I define me, now, as being in the clear and then being wrong, i will stay here forever. Just right under the surface, not suicidale or depressed, but not much more than that either. I don’t know what other people feel or what should be the “normal” feeling, but i sure as hell hope it is more than simply not being depressed. So what if i’m not there yet, to normal, but i think i am and therefore i will stay here. How will i ever know?
On the other hand, what if this is truly what everybody else feels on a regular basis and i still don’t think i’m there yet. I still think i am in that hole. Then i will be depressed forever and that is sure as hell not something i can live with. So what do you do?
When you are there, but you aren’t and you can’t tell the difference and is too afraid to make the call. What do you do?
“It wasn’t that she was sad—sadness had very little to do with it, really, considering that most of the time, she felt close to nothing at all. Feeling required nerves, connections, sensory input. The only thing she felt was numb. And tired. Yes, she very frequently felt tired.”
― Nenia Campbell,
“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel,
“Mental illness turns people inwards. That’s what I reckon. It keeps up forever trapped by the pain of our own minds, in the same way that the pain of a broken leg or a cut thumb will grab your attention, holding it so tightly that your good leg or your good thumb seem to cease to exist.”
― Nathan Filer, The