Therapy to me was always this sign of hope and it was so easy to make more of it than it was. Don’t get me wrong i highly recommend therapy and it has definitely saved me on numerous occasions, but it has never been that miracle i so yearned for and i really believed it to be.
So long before i even started therapy, I was sick. I had only ever had one depressive episode, but i had never really been happy. I was always hating myself, anxious, indifferent, afraid, nervous, over-thinking things and always in the mindset that my life would begin whenever a certain thing had ended. It could be when i had lost weight, when school finished, whatever. The point is that i was always looking forward for a future, a life that would never begin. Whenever this certain thing would end and my life didn’t start, i would always set a new timeframe, which would indicate some sort of frivolous hope. And now here we are. My latest timeframe has run up and i am stuck. My life didn’t begin, cause guess what? It began 20 years ago. I was just never ready for it. I’m still not.
I’ve been going to therapy for 1,5 years, which would roughly be equivalent to 30 sessions, 30 hours. It doesn’t sound like a lot and i guess it’s not compared to others, but it has been such a long time that i just thought it would be good and done by now.
I always thought that if you knew the cause it would be over. If i knew the reason. What started it all. I would be good right?
But i’m not.
Therapy helps you talk it through. It helps you to structure the mess that is your head. It helps having someone who can understand (if not on a personal level, then on a professional one). It helps. It does.
My personal misconception was that they would say something, or we would come to some sort of conclusion and i would suddenly get this click in my brain. Where it all just makes sense and it clicks. You know? I get it. I get my depression. I figured you out. I deeply thought that knowledge would be power; but it’s not.
I have analyzed it all. I have searched it all. I have come as close to a conclusion that i can (because let’s be honest it’s depression. It’s confusing as heck and there are just too many variables for you to know everything about it). The problem is nothing clicks. It just is as it has always been. Being that my depression becomes more mundane as months pass, makes it really hard to keep going to therapy, because it’s just really hard explaining how you feel, because it’s everyday. I start to feel like this it’s all normal and i get in my head where I really don’t trust myself. Am i still depressed? This might be how people feel all day? Maybe i wanna be depressed? and it just comes full circle that ends with me being just as confused as i was from the start.
I hope this was less confusing than my head. But probably not.
“…the past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whaterver form. Both are illusions.”
– Eckhart Tolle
“Your expectation of something unique and dramatic, of some wonderful explosion, is merely hindering and delaying your Self Realization. You are not to expect an explosion, for the explosion has already happened – at the moment when you were born, when you realized yourself as Being-Knowing-Feeling. There is only one mistake you are making: you take the inner for the outer and the outer for the inner. What is in you, you take to be outside you and what is outside, you take to be in you. The mind and feelings are external, but you take them to be intimate. You believe the world to be objective, while it is entirely a projection of your psyche. That is the basic confusion and no new explosion will set it right! You have to think yourself out of it. There is no other way.
– Nisargadatta Maharaj
“I used to think that once you really knew a thing, its truth would shine on forever. Now it’s pretty obvious to me that more often than not the batteries fade, and sometimes what you knew even goes out with a bang when you try and call on it, just like a light bulb cracking off when you throw the switch.”
― Lucy Grealy