For me, personally, there are two kinds of depression. I apologise for the nature metaphor if anyone has a better one please let me know. For real i came up with it 5 minutes ago. It’s not good.
The first one is like a hurricane inside my mind. It’s ripping up the earth, debris is flying, it’s so loud i can barely stand it. And i am all alone.
The second one is like a dry desert. No wind, no sound, no nothing. Nothing on miles on end. And i am all alone.
So to make this something slightly relatable to our human excistense. The first one is basically where i feel everything bad all the time. I am anxious, afraid, sad, angry, irritated. regretful and everything in between. I am a mess. I cry all the time, i get panic attacks where i loose control over my arms and more often than not hit myself. Sometimes i cut myself, because the pain forces my mind to focus on the immediate pain and the hurricane luckely places a second on that list. After this i of course feel all the feelings again and the day goes on. My body feels heavy because it’s just to much all at once. I wake up and it’s like it all hits me with one big blow and it’s hard to take those first steps out into the warm shower in hope of some comfort. Instead it becomes a place that deafens your tears and you can almost kid yourself into thinking that it’s only the water running down your face.
The second one is basically where i feel nothing. It sounds simple, but it’s actually the hardest one to describe, because there is nothing, but there is still something that makes one feel uneasy. Sometimes certain emotions rise up, this time the visitor as mostly been shame, but they often dial down again and i am a withered vessel once again. When i cut it’s not because i wanna distract my brain, it’s because i wanna feel something, it’s because i am so ashamed that in some way i think i deserve it. And the last one is rather new, because cutting as never ever been about that for me. It has always been about the distraction, but i guess, we find new sides to ourselves all the time. After i do it i feel nothing. Not even ashamed, because i did it. I just go back to nothing.
The first time i encountered the second depression i thought i was getting better, but i was just getting started. I had to go through another 1st one, to get to another 2nd one and this time I was so busy that i didn’t realise it. I still subconsciously thought that this might be a start for better days, but no. The 2nd is convenient especially when your busy, but when your not busy, it’s just a matter of time before it turns into the 1st one.
Of course there are a lot of things that goes for both of them, like all kinds of depression. It disables you to see a future, socializing, getting out of bed, doing anything besides feeling like shit, really.
For which one is the worst i couldn’t say. It’s likes choosing between a rock and a hard place.
“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”
– Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation