Are you okay?

I cannot speak for every depressed person out there, but the question “are you okay” really fucks up my day and here is why:

So lately i’ve been told that, on the outside, i look like i’m getting better. And they say the words “getting better” like it should be accompied by one of these

And i’m just standing there not feeling any better and to be honest kinda awkward. They are just waiting for that “you got me” affirmation that i am feeling better, which always end up something like this:

That phrase i can live with. It’s annoying that people can be so wrong on assuming something and sound so sure, but that is what it is. The problem i have with is when they start expecting answers. I am referring to the big question “Are you okay?”. First of don’t ask this when other people can hear you. It’s naiv to think that if something was really wrong i would just pour my heart out in front of you and bunch of other people. Second i go about my day that is often filled with despair, suicide thoughts, anxiety etc. I am pretty used to it by now so it is a lot easier to ignore. I also like to ignore the wondering if i’m getting better or when will it get better or will it ever get better, because we all know, that sure is gonna make things worse. So when i go about my day ignoring such things and you come asking if i’m okay. BANG. You have done it. You have in a matter of one single question managed to force me confronting the questions i have been happy to ignore. You have forced me to actually answer the question; Am i okay? That is the last thing i as a depressed person want to know. Probably because i know i’m not fucking okay, but it was sure nice to forget that for a while before you came and had to have social manners.

My mind then goes through several anxious scenarios. If i’m not okay, when will i be? Will i ever be okay? worse: what if i’m okay now and just don’t know it? What if i forgot how to not be miserable? What if i like being miserable? What if even in my okay state i’m still miserable? ARGHHHH. Panic attack. It’s a horrible process which gives me nothing and i always end up answering “i don’t know”. The person then thinks i don’t wanna talk to them, but i don’t know. This leads me to my deepest need. A light. A light that when i’m depressed is red, when i’m overrall happy, but just sad or having a bad day then yellow and if I am okay, then green. It sounds weird and stupid. But the thing is; when your depressed for so long, you forget how it is to not be anything else. Sometimes i feel myself forcing me back to that deep dark hole of despair. I don’t know if it’s because i am now more comfortable there or because i have some sort of need to selfinflict myself, but i do it. I threw myself in that deep hole and i am the only one getting in the way for me to get up. I have identified with this illness for almost my entire life, therefor it is so hard not doing that. It’s hard admitting that i migth be okay, because if i’m okay then who am i? I know how to do depressed, i know it by hand. I do not know how to do happy, like content for the majority of my time. I have been happy, i have been content, i have been anything in between tons of times, but they have always been quick and just so that i could have a taste, but never more. I should be happy to say “yes, i’m okay” cause eventough it’s nothing no one should live with merely being ‘okay’, the thought of saying it makes me irritated, which kind of defeats the purpose of being okay. Maybe it’s because i don’t just wanna feel okay, and when i do, i’m afraid that it’s not getting any better than okay. And the more i keep thinking about it i’m like:

For now let’s just say that i’m still depressed, because no matter how sad it is: it has become my comfort zone. My own miserable and terrifying comfort zone.

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