I’ve had many low points in my life. Granted they were not that of an alchoholic (frankly if it tasted better, i would hop on that wagon in a second), it is not that of a person losing a loved one, it is not that of a person having a terminal illness. What i’m trying to say and what i have been saying is that i know people suffer more than me. I know. I also know that i need to let myself feel like i’m suffering. I keep brushing it off as “just my own inflicted suffering” and just because i’m not starving or dying it’s not bad enough to actually call it “suffering”. And eventhough i don’t mean what i’m about to say i still need to say it, so i can start to believe it. I still suffer, eventhough some people suffer more. No matter what other people are going through i will probably always think that they suffer more. I’m not saying it to paint a pretty unselfish picture of myself. Because who the fuck does it help? Everyones suffering is valid. Of course i shouldn’t complain that i broke a nail to someone having cancer, but you get my drift. I hope.
The last couple of weeks have been rough. Hell, the last 19 years have been rough. WIth the occasional break of a year or two. The last 1,5 year especially. I’ve basically hated every day of it.
Through my low points i have thought about dying everyday, in my OCD days it took me 45 minutes to go to sleep because i had a “routine”, i touched everything twice and ate and drank in even numbers otherwise my life would be ruined (for a person with no relation to OCD it will make no sense and that is a sign that you are OK). I have cut myself, i have hit myself, i have tried taking pills, I’ve even tried choking myself with my bare hands (keep in mind i have small hands and it was very awkward), i have been in a featus position crying for hours on the floor more times than i can count. I have puked because i cried so much. Literally i puked because it was to much having inside my body. I have puked because i felt fat. I have eaten my feelings my whole life, but you really know your low point when you open a christmas calendar a week early just to get that chocolate. and then proceeded to eat. the. whole. damn. thing. I have been filled with rage, jealousy, hate and envy towards the poeple i love. I have been selfish, narcassistic, passive agressive, pesssimistic and selfdestructive. I have lied more times than i could count. I have pushed people i love away. I have procrastinated. I have believed in god and stopped. I have no faith, no passion and no hope. I am merely a vessel, holding a broken soul, going on auto pilot. And a crappy one at that.
I am a 19 years old, hypersensitive, introverted girl. I have suffered from OCD: I suffer from depression, angst, stress, tragically low self esteem, panic attacks with a tiny splash of social anxiety in the mix.
Knowing that, how does a person proceed going from that to a person they actually can look in the mirror without a red neon sign over their head screaming “LOSER, LOSER, LOSER”? If you are looking for an answer, look again cause i have zero. I have no idea. I owe the person i could be to find out, cause believe it or not i have good sides. Granted not many, but they are there and dusty. I don’t even know what kind of person i could be proud of. What person i want to be. What i do know, in this moment will determine what i am going to be. It’s kind of scary, having that pressure and to be honest i really don’t think i’ll make it. But i have to believe that in there. Deep. Deep. DEEP in there, There is a person who was destined to do great things. If i believed in destiny anyway. I told you. no. faith. at. all. I have to believe though that inside there is a person better than this. There gotta be otherwise i ‘m out. A girl who wants to do good, a girl who wants to live and a girl who can. If i let her. I don’t know when it will be. If it will ever be. I have no idea where to start or where to end. The only thing i know is that i am so deeply unhappy, everyday and if i don’t do something about it one day i will break and it won’t be pretty. But i have to try. Trying when you really don’t believe the outcome or just feel like wallowing in your misery is hard. I just have to do it. No thinking. Just doing.
I have to learn to live. It’s ridicoulus, but i don’t think i know how to live. Like really live. But most importantly i have to learn to love myself, which is a task much harder.
I don’t know if you can take anything useful outta this. If you can i am glad, if not; don’t worry, me either.
“If i can take it, I can make it”
– Movie; Broken.
“Recovery feels like shit. It didn’t feel like I was doing something good; it felt like I was giving up. It feels like having to learn how to walk all over again.”
― Portia de Rossi
“When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence.”
― Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume
“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”
― Gerard Way