Taking a step back

I’m going back. This was what i was fearing you guys. Taking steps backwards. It’s really never good, but when you have hell on wheels in you near past, it’s definitely terrifying.

I don’t know how i came to realise this, but the past 20 months or so i have not thought of myself doing better. I feel like everything is the shitty same every fucking day. It’s tedious and awful when people ask how i am cause i have nothing new at all to report. However if i look to the week where i officially say that I hid rock bottom, i am better and i’m not. For a lack of a better word, I am more controled, because i have more knowledge and understanding of what is going on. I think this might make it so i have a form of false security in believing that i’m better. In the sense of understanding i am way better, but i still feel like shit everyday, i still procrastinate to an extant where it becomes downright stupid, and i still get stressed out mother-effing quickly.

Okay, so i’ve always been like this. I’ve never been great, i’ve just always been “Ok” or “fine”. I have seriously thought that my emotional register must be broken and it’s those “Ok” that does the killing. If you had amazing and good days in between the truly awful ones, it would be shit, but less shitty. You would know it didn’t last forever and that you had good times to look forward to. However i have no days looking forward to. I have the opportunity to be downright depressed and suicidal or just plain sad and useless.

Not gonna lie it doesn’t look good. And don’t get me wrong i have not forgotten that people have it way worse than me, but in my reality i can only hope that this is as bad as it’s gonna get, because i barely make it through the day as it is now.

So here it is now.

I’m back in old patterns after a short vacation on “I still have it like shit, but i can see a faint recovery in my future” planet.

I am totally lost and i have no idea what the fuck i’m gonna do.

I more openly hate life which is unnerving, freeing and terrifying all in one lovely mess.

It feels like my soul is slowly dying, which really isn’t a pretty sight and sounds completely insane.

Speaking of i feel like i’m losing my mind.

I am so stressed out i’ve started devoloping ticks. Like a mental person.

I’m terrified everyday of nothing and everything.

I feel repititve.

Qoutes of the day ( i felt extra qout-y today) 

It’s all that OK in between that is killing me
– Me,

No, I’m not ok. But I haven’t been ok since I was 11, maybe 12. I am still here though.
I’m still breathing. For me, sometimes, that will have to be enough.
—  Clementine Von Radics

There’s nothing harder
than putting yourself back
together every morning.
– wtm

“One is a great deal less anxious if one feels perfectly free to be anxious, and the same may be said of guilt.” 
– Alan Wilson Watts


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