Depression is..

Warning: Some pessimism, bitterness and passive agressiveness can be detected in the following blog.

Lately i’ve been more stressed than usual which results in me taking a few steps back into my deep abyss of depression and a lot of procrastination, which really ties a nice bow on the circle of stress. Because as a procrastinator (it is a word now) you know nothing makes you more stressed than procrastinating. And you procrastinate the more stressed you are. Welcome to the cruel joke i call life.

So this of course led me to a lot of wallowing and staring at the ceiling listening to sad songs. Which is the place i get the best metaphors. And here is what i came up with. It is probably in no way original, but whatever.

Depression is like standing at the very edge of a cliff and the only thing you can see is darkness and your undeniable death.

Some have people holding on to them and eventually pulls them to safety.

Some has none.

Some has people, but in fear of getting help leaps down in the darkness.

Some jump.

Some don’t.

and it is horrible. You don’t know if this is the day you’ll jump. It makes you question your own sanity. You can’t look back at the people who love you cause you are so deeply afraid to fall. You feel alone and helpless cause the only thing standing in your way of jumping is you and you don’t really have the right judgement in this state. You’re mind is at war with itself. If that wasn’t bad enough you have other people to interact with. You have things you have to do. Cause no matter how much you want it or need it the world doesn’t stop. Just because you feel like dying everyday, the world will still demand the same things out of you. You have to provide this, to have a hope of a decent life if you get outta this.

To be honest i don’t know what to do.
I don’t know how i feel.

I think i’ve deceived myself into believing that i was going towards the better. but it was all just a lie. I was even lying about me lying about me feeling better. Which may not make sense, but let me tell you it’s insane. I’m insane. My mind is so fucked up. I’m so fucked up. I feel like i’m dying. I feel like my soul is dying. That may seem over dramatic og completely weird, but that is how it is. My soul is dying and i don’t see a way out.

“Crap.
It’s all crap.
Living is crap.
Life has no meaning.
None. Nowhere to be found.
Crap.
Why doesn’t anybody realize this?”

– K-Ske Hasegawa

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