For a dramatic effect listen to “Wait” by M38. Great song, you’ll thank me later.
I have done endless research on depression and what most people say is that depression is the state of feeling nothing. I disagree. For me depression is feeling to much. To much of all the bad feelings out there. It’s about being crushed and strangled by emotions. It’s the earth shattering feeling you get when it’s all just to much. It’s feeling like everything is about to crush you and you can’t do shit about it. It’s feeling like it will never stop. That you are all alone in your misery. The worst part is that for the most part it’s the truth. No one except depressed people are gonna get you and they aren’t really jumping up and down to announce themselves. Of course people can come damn close, but the hard truth is that they really don’t know how messed up your head is. Sometimes you might not get it either. You might think your mind is fucked up and it is. Trust me it is. The one person that should always have your back, is making your life miserable. The one person you can always count on is yourself. So start counting on you. You are the one making yourself miserable, so you are unfourtenly the only one who can undo it. Knowing this will help you, but not cure you. I know that. You are only gonna realise it when you want to. Even after that there is a lot of work and time to put into it. Hell, i don’t even know what to do with that information quite yet. I just firmly believe it to be a step forward. Small steps, yah know.
This is most likely a very unprofessional way of looking at it, but this is the hands on experience. I am working through this right now, so it really doesn’t get any more true than this.
You might think i’m over selling it a bit. Trust me i am prone to dramatizing a bit here and there, however this is completely real.
So I actually had a point in starting it this way. Lately i’ve been feeling strangely… calm. This sounds good and all, but (and isn’t there always a but?) I feel nothing. Like literally nothing. I’m numb. Although this has happened before, i would usually call them my “good days” cause it is utterly relaxing not feeling anything, but this time is different. I don’t know if it’s a step in the right or wrong direction. I feel numb and I see no point in anything really. Life has become utterly meaningless, so meaningless that i can’t even see a meaning in feeling anything. I’m guessing this is bad, but this sudden calm have given me the opportunity to see more clearly. To analyze my feelings and i’ve discovered some things. I feel like I have more insight, which is good.
I don’t know where i go from here. I don’t know if it’s a step in the right or wrong direction. Frankly there is a lot i don’t know and for now that will have to do.
Qoutes by smart people help me realise a lot so i think i’ll end all my post with one. Until i run out or get bored of it, anyway.
“Of all the things i’ve lost i miss my mind the most” – Mark Twain