My customized hell

This might be an exaggeration with all the shit happening in the world and if i was born in another country, by another family into a completely different enviroment my life could have been a lot worse. The fact is though, that i didn’t and yes i could lose someone i love and my life and it would be way more crushing than what i put myself through, but for sake of this post lets just be clear that:

I know people have it worse than me all over the world and i am not trying to undermine that by telling you how i feel.

I however really couldn’t feel worse, in my current situation. I have the frame to be happy, but i screw up the picture. If that makes any sense.

So here we go. I am 19 years old and a girl. I have a pretty basic life. My family consist of a mom, dad and brother. To make it even more cliche we also have a sweet dog. I go to school to become whatever it is I decide on and i have friends (not a lot, but a good few). Nothing tragic ever happened to me and i am eternally grateful for that. However knowing all this would you believe i still feel like shit every day? I wouldn’t either. I have racked my brain to figure out why i’m depressed, but i can’t. The fact that i don’t have a solid reason to give you makes me feel like a fraud. I feel guilty, because i don’t feel like i have the right to be depressed. This is a pretty vicious circle, i make myself feel worse, for feeling like crap without no aparrent reason. I mean how utterly ironic is that?

Every since i can remember i have always had depressive tendencies and it is not the first time that i have gone for a longer period of time feeling depressed. I’ve even suffered from OCD (obessive compulsive disorder) for 4 years from when i was 12. That however is pretty much a closed chapter, i sometimes notice my OCD behavior a bit, but i am good at recognizing it and going against the pattern. It’s all about patterns really. The patterns your brain make. I’m getting of track, but for next post (spoiler). Since my later years i have thought during those “dark” periods that something might be wrong with me so i turned to no one other than google. It said depression so obviously it must be (I should tell you that i know have it from a pro as well). I really didn’t do anything about it and i never told anyone until earlier this year. I started feeling down for over a year ago, i figured it would pass like the others, but this, this was different. It got more serious, i did stupid stuff towards myself and it scared me. The wish for death got more vivid and it honestly broke me. The thought of going through another day killed me, so I seeked help. A doctor. He told me i should tell my parents, bare in mind i had walked 18 years without them knowing and 8 months without them knowing about this specific episode. Then i started on the meds for about 5 months, I stopped because it didn’t feel right. I felt like i had to feel it all before i could process it, and it’s really hard working and processing with something when you don’t really feel it. So i stopped which was hard and it all came crashing down for a while and worst of all my panic attacks and angst returned. I started going to a shrink about a month after i told my parents and it has been one of the best things ever. I am shitty at talking with my friends and family about this. So to be able to talk about it to a stranger with no judgement is amazing. Anyway this has officially been my longest “dark period” and the most intense. It has lasted for about 14 months and it’s still here. I still feel like shit, but at least now i can recognize it, so it’s a step forward. But to be honest it feels like this has been going on for 19 years, because between my “dark periods” ( I have no better name, i’m sorry) those times were fine or OK. Which just sucks. I will leave you with a quote that describes it better than merely “sucks”:

“Life’s weird. Some of it’s good. Some of it’s bad.
But the dangerous stuff is all that ‘OK’ in-between.
That’s what you’ve got to watch out for.
All of us have the strength required to persevere
and survive a couple of truly awful days.
But it’s the adequate unremarkable everyday
that will break you, if allowed to gather in numbers.”

Beau Taplin || Ok

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3 thoughts on “My customized hell

    1. Thanks, unfourtenly i cannot take credit for writing it. It was one of those times where you see or hear something that just describes everything you can’t describe about your current state of mind. It’s perfect, really.

      1. Yeah, I know. It’s the same as this quote that I like, but of course not mine: “Our inner hankering is for satisfaction, happiness, sweetness, love, beauty and mercy.” Swami B.R.Sridhar maharaja. Take care 🙂

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